Trump Performs Miracles for Followers and Sends Plagues upon his Opponents

Dateline Washington, D.C, April 1, 2020, by A. Ron Cowinning

Events that some people say are “truly miraculous” have been occurring in our nation’s capital. Early this morning, spectators were astonished to see an individual who appeared to be President Donald J. Trump walking on the surface of the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool and declaring in a loud voice, “I say unto you that all non-Democrats in this country shall be cured of their COVID-19, if they come unto me and touch my incredibly gorgeous hair.”

“It’s OK,” Trump added, “fear not, for behold, it is my real hair, and it is beautiful.”

Indeed his hair looked tremendously full, and shined with the brightness of the Sun according to several, highly credible anecdotal reports. 

Trump then pronounced that he would rain fire and brimstone upon CNN headquarters in Atlanta, unless they repented of all their fake news hoaxes and lies. 

Shortly thereafter, a large cloud came over the Whitehouse and a thunderous voice from the heavens said, “Donald Trump is my true son.  Jesus was just a third-rate, Jewish faker and anyway he was poor, so who cares about him.  My newly adopted son, Donald J, shall inherit my kingdom and not even have to pay any inheritance tax like a chump.” 

Trump then began turning stones to bread and toilet paper and flinging it to adoring fans standing outside the gates at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. 

Aides say that Nancy Pelosi was found in her office, turned into a pillar of salt.  Chuck Schumer was found outside the Capitol building afflicted with boils and leprosy ringing a bell to warn others not to approach him and repeatedly mumbling, “unclean, unclean,…”.  Simultaneously, a plague of frogs and locusts reportedly descended on DNC headquarters.

Then witnesses say that a legion of angels swooped down and carried Trump on their wings to Mar a Lago where throngs of hot women in bikinis let the stable genius grab and fondle them without even having to pay $110,000 a piece or filing sexual harassment lawsuits.

“I must go now and prepare a place for my loyal followers in heaven,” Trump said in a national address.  “But heaven is kind of a dump and a shith0le right now, to be honest.  I want to make it a classy joint with gold covered walls and a McDonalds that serves only the best diet coke and filet of fish.  So I’m working on a leveraged buyout with Treasury Secretary Munchkin.”

“Don’t worry.” Trump added, “As long as you are a card-carrying member of the NRA and have never voted for a Democrat then you too can purchase a time-share in the kingdom of heaven”.

(*p.s. If you really believed any of the nonsense in the above story then you are an April Fool and you need to buy a calendar).

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